I hoped this year would be different…
I hoped this year would be better…
I said ‘2013 is gonna be my year’ I intended for it to be a happy and prosperous year, after the last few years I could do with a bit of goodness and happiness for a change, by golly do I deserve a break from all the bad things…
So, is 2013 going to be my year or will it just prove that 13 is unlucky for some (including me!?)…
Well, It’s now March these first few months have flown by and to be honest I’m glad they are over with. I have already reached the point where I have stated that I would like to either rewind and start this year again or fast forward to get it over with.
Why? you ask… well where do I begin? let’s break it down…
The New Year appeared to be off to a good start, at a New Year celebration I made up a bit more with my former best friend, such that she came and crashed on my sofa for the night after the party, so I thought things were on the path to recovery there. Yeah I still felt she owed me a massive apology, I had apologised to her for any wrongdoings on my part but she had hurt me and mistreated me far worse than anything I had done to her yet I had not received any apology at all.
That same night I met a guy who seemed nice, genuine and said he wanted to make me happy. We talked for hours, he stayed the night, he text me every day after (without me texting him first!).
My mate blanked me completely the next time I saw her, it was as though I was still the devil incarnate to her, I had done nothing wrong. I left it alone, no point flogging a dead horse…
More bullying, bitching and back-stabbing from the hyena pack and associates led me to deleting over 100 people on facebook…
I found the guy from New Year on facebook, sent a friend request, after all he was the one doing all the chasing ‘couldn’t wait to see me again’,texting me daily, blah blah… suddenly I’m blocked when I go to show another friend the guy I’m talking about… we find his profile through someone else’s facebook and he’s in a relationship!? Yet still texting me bullshit – I put a stop to that by telling him I knew he was in a relationship with someone else and that he best leave me alone… and he did… One of my friends said I attract wankers, and this was just further evidence that she is right because I never meet a nice guy who actually remains a nice guy after the first night! lol
Now I rarely get ill in the normal sense of the word, coughs, colds, flu never happen to me but suddenly for the first time I can remember since being a kid I am hit with the flu and have to take time off work. This is bad enough in itself but no sooner am I better than we are hit with really bad snow which causes me problems getting to and from work due to train delays and cancellations and I get in trouble with the department manager for going home early one day just to make sure I can actually get home at all. Then I’m hit with sinus problems another thing I’ve never suffered with and have to have some more time off. None of this is going down well at work and the boss is taking a dislike to me as if it was some personal thing that I have control over illness and weather!? 😦 not a happy bunny as I was loving my job until this point, even though they were constantly screwing up my pay so I was going without money on a regular basis… Worse still all the time off for travel problems and sickness meant even less money as I don’t get paid for any time off be it sick, annual leave or any other reason, no work = no money
To top off the problems at work the job I am doing is advertised as a permanent position on NHS jobs website, only I am at work when it goes on the site and no-one tells me it has been posted, when I find out the next day I have missed the chance to apply for my own job! and the boss who now dislikes me due to the sickness and weather problems is unwilling to help me apply, thankfully one of the consultant geneticists I work for hears of the situation and steps in to try and help me out and after a great deal of fuss I get to apply for my own job, only now I am so upset by everything I only want the job to keep me going until I find something else because working somewhere that you are treated like shit is not a place I want to be any more 😦
With all the problems with work and people I made a decision to look for a fresh start some where new, my heart was set on Oxford, so I started looking for work there so I can leave Redditch and rebuild my life away from all those who have wronged me, I would be leaving behind some good people/friends but mostly there is no-one here that is enough to make me want to stay… But despite being plenty of jobs to apply for I quickly find that renting a home in Oxford is going to cost double what I’m paying here and fear that I may not be able to realise my dream after all… Will I be stuck trapped in Redditch forever?
Again it looks like a good start to the month, an improved social life away from being tied to one group of people has meant I can spend time with different friend groups in different places without that one group basically insisting that I must only hang out with them. And a night accompanying a gentleman to a business event, he seems like a nice guy – which given my track record actually gets my guard up faster than if he had appeared to be a wanker! oops! lol
But as usual it doesn’t take long for the shit to hit the fan, and once again it is things I have no control over that cause me upset…
This time it’s my daughter… not her exactly but her heart condition. After 6 years of just going for annual check-up’s having now be transferred to adult services since turning 18 we receive a letter saying that as a result of her MRI scan they want to get her in for a cardiac catheterisation (angiogram) operation with a view to further surgery after to replace her heart valves (which have always been leaky). While in some ways I always knew this would happen eventually there is still no real way to prepare for it even when you expect it, to say we are both devastated and scared is an understatement, but being her mom I have to be strong and there for her and try to help her worry less, only this is almost impossible as this is the first time the impact of living with congenital heart disease is actually hitting her personally 😥
Then ‘that’ guy from New Year decides to start texting me again! My response is instant and abrupt ‘has she dumped you or are you drunk and horny? – either way fuck off!’ I am proud of myself for this response! 🙂
Just as I am falling asleep one evening my phone rings, my friend who owns the pub we all drink in is calling to tell me my former best mate is missing, along with the guy who had been managing the pub and about £4000 from the pub safe. Everyone is in panic mode, are they in it together? where are they? what is going on? we rally together trying to help, post facebook statuses stating that these people and the money are missing and the police are looking for them (it’s all true at this point) after 18 hours unreachable my former best mate ‘turns up’ dead phone battery is her reason for being ‘missing’ for 18 hours. I retract my facebook statuses publicly only to receive abuse from certain other people who also posted the same information but who just deleted their shares without a public retraction – so how come I’m getting picked on, at least I apologised!?
The grief and bullying continues and after all the problems I have tolerated in the past few years for the first time I want to ensure this nasty, bullying group of individuals have no means by which to contact me ever again and I change my phone number, something I have refused to do before despite how much crap I have had to put up with. I have finally reached the point where I refuse to allow people who treat me badly to be able to access me every again…
The guy involved is found and arrested for stealing the money from the pub, my former best friend is not implicated in any official way.
Everything was getting to me so much I almost self-harmed for the first time since last year, somehow I found the strength not to do it, but knew I needed a huge blowout to clear the feelings that were clogging up inside me. So I went out intending to get very drunk, and succeeded massively, by 9pm I was in the ladies throwing up, not proud of this but it did the trick when I got up the next day I felt like a huge weight had been lifted.
I went for the interview for my own job and felt that they were very hard on me, especially when I went down to Oxford that afternoon for any interview for a job two bands higher and it went so much better! A couple of days later I’m back in Oxford for two more interviews, in between them I get a call from work telling me I have been unsuccessful at getting my OWN job! wtf!? they had given the job to a ‘PA with NHS experience’, first off why is a PA applying for a band 2 job when they are band 4-5 level and secondly do I not have NHS experience then after nearly 2 years working in the NHS AND I am already doing the job, so experience and being good at the job count for nothing!? To say I am upset is putting it mildly, and I barely manage to hold it together for the second interview.
The next day I feel sick at the thought of going into work knowing everyone will know I did not get my own job, but I face it anyway. Only to get there and the boss is off sick so I have no-one to discuss my end date with, I spend the morning in tears and trying to continue working through the blur. At lunch time things get worse, my son’s college call, he’s had a seizure after 10 years seizure free he just dropped and had one while on his lunch. I leave work immediately with even more tears and panic. I need to get to him asap and ensure he gets properly checked out.
By the time I get back he is home asleep having refused to go to hospital. He’s 19 now and just wanted everyone to get away when he came to dazed and confused, being surrounded by people is not something a lad with Aspergers feels comfortable with, so he just wanted to get home away from them all – can’t say I blame him! But I know this needs further investigation due to happening out of the blue after so long so I get the wheels in motion, take him to the GP insist on urgent referral back to Neurology where I will then insist on an urgent MRI… and now we wait for an appointment.
Personally I’m pretty sure the seizure was triggered by stress, having aspergers my son cannot express his emotions as well as we can, he doesn’t really cry or let things out much and I’m certain that that stress and worry of his mom losing her job, being bullied and his sister having to have heart surgery is as difficult for him to handle as it is for us, only he won’t say it is like we will… 😦
February ends with us having a date for my daughter to have her operation in March, my son going to see the neurologist a few days later and the first bit of truly good news this year, I am offered 3 jobs in Oxford…
So now we’re into March, I’m not going to share what has happened so far this month yet as we’re barely half way through. I’ll save that for another update, suffice to say emotions are still running high and battles are still daily events… can March end on a better note? we will see…
Is 2013 treating you well or are you also left thinking that 13 is proving unlucky for you?
Are the events affecting your life things you can alter or, like me, are they things outside of your control that are trying to stop you being happy?
- UNlucky Thirteen (livinginaction.wordpress.com)
- Project: Unlucky 13 (pennytron.wordpress.com)
- Weekend Review No.13- Unlucky for some… (gibberishsport.wordpress.com)
- 13 Lucky Superstitions for Your Home in 2013 (realtygoddess.wordpress.com)
- A New Year (bulliednotbroken.wordpress.com)
- Unlucky ’13 (sockymon.wordpress.com)
- Superstitious? (carolkilburn.wordpress.com)