Something strange is occurring…
To be honest it actually has me worried, I’m not used to this!
Things are ‘normal’, no drama, no over the top emotions just ‘normal’…
I haven’t self-harmed in over a month and I haven’t had any other kind of crisis episode, or even a big outburst of emotions, really everything has just been going smoothly.
Initially I didn’t like it.
I haven’t been as productive as I usually am, but thinking about it hyper-productivity is usually related to a manic phase, when everything in my life is running at hyper-speed. Not that I haven’t been getting things done, I still am, I’m just not doing far more than is humanly possible, lol
At first I thought I was bored and empty, maybe I was a bit, I don’t know, but I’ve now accepted that the reality is that I am just doing/being more normal levels of activity.
There have been a few incidents that could possibly, and would normally be massive triggers for me, that I have handled unusually well…
The biggest one is that this guy I have had this on-off thing with for quite some time has got himself a ‘real’ girlfriend. This alone is something that should have been a huge trigger for me given the volatile state of our relationship beforehand. But, rather than any kind of explosive reaction – for me this would be in the form of internalised anger and distress, resulting in self-harm and ‘acting out’ getting drunk and acting impulsively – I had a ‘normal’ emotional reaction instead, I had a cry about it, felt sorry for myself that I was clearly not ‘girlfriend’ material and then just got on with things. I did leave the pub early one night because seeing him with her was making me feel hurt, but again even that was just a normal response, I didn’t storm off in a mood, just left quietly thinking it was better to get away from a situation that could upset me than let it get to me!
I talked to my therapist about the way I have been lately and she told me she was really proud of me, and actually I am proud of me too!
As many of you will know from reading my posts regularly there have been so many things that can, do and have triggered me to have a mega BPD outburst of some kind or another. But, for what feels like the first time in years, I am just ‘okay’…
Is this remission?
Why has it happened now?
I don’t know the answers, I don’t ‘feel’ like I have really been doing anything different that could have caused me to cope so well, and it is certainly a very sudden change as I had even recently had some mega up’s and down’s.
Will it last?
That is my biggest concern of all, of course! I don’t know if this way of being will last. One thing for sure is right now I would not meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis, but I’m not cured or ‘better’ by any means, how could I be, nothing has happened to bring about such things! So, that issue really is how long will this phase of remission last. Now the only problem with worrying about that is that I could bring about the end of the remission just by over-analysing it. Self-fulling prophecy and all that… Spend too much time thinking about ‘when am I going to crash again?’ and I could cause that to happen. But, it’s hard not to think about it!
For now I just have to accept it for what it is, bare in mind that it may not last, but try not to over think about that possibility so that I don’t cause it to end myself!
How are you doing?
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S.L.Grigg - Author 
hi sharon, it is great to hear you are having a calm phase. as everybody says accept and enjoy the moment, don’t try to look to far ahead. love lynda x
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Thanks Lynda 🙂 x
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Great news Sharon. I am so pleased for you but I can also understand your wonderings. I hope you can just enjoy it and take it as it comes. 🙂
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Thanks Cate 🙂 x
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“Will it last?” Try not to think about that, because thinking about it removes all the joy you can get now from the progress you have done, and you are doing well!!!
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Indeed! Thanks Nikky 🙂 x
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Very happy for you. Keep it up.
Don’t ask how I am doing!
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Thanks Quiet, still hoping things get better for you too! xxx
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I know the feeling…I’ve gone from severe symptoms to actually behaving like a rational person most of the time and I’m just convinced it’s another phase. Glad to hear that you are processing stuff though, I’m fairly sure that’s a positive sign, I’m still not quite there but I have started to understand how little I process my emotions and how much work I need to do to get there after a lifetime spent blocking and then acting recklessly.
Hope that you continue on this path – you deserve some relief after the last few months, be kind to yourself 🙂 xx
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Thanks Chrissy, hope your phase lasts too! 🙂 xx
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I’m not a fan of the word remission. I don’t like recovery either. Both I find to be very oppressive. Enjoy the calm you feel 🙂 Congrats on not cutting for a month!
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Yeah I guess the words can be a bit harsh! Thanks 🙂 xx
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We can’t win with language 😛 We all like different things!
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True! 🙂
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I’m so happy for you to have found a “happy medium”! I agree with Mandi: just hold on to the present moment and try not to anticipate the future (I know — easier said than done sometimes). I actually find your experience very exciting and encouraging because relationships are my number one trigger, too. My experience with romantic relationships is so disordered I’ve put a moratorium on them altogether and haven’t dated in almost a year. But your growth in this area gives me hope for my own self. Thanks for the inspiration! I hope things stay level, but YAY for RIGHT NOW! Much love, Eileen. 🙂
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Thanks Eileen, I’m glad my experience is inspiring! 😀
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This is the same feeling that I have all the time. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop and when that will happen. Is there such thing as remission with BPD??? Great question….I am glad that I am not the only one that feels like this and can be so incredibly uncomfortable when things are “going well”.
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I think remission is the best we can every hope for, I don’t really believe we can recover fully from BPD, mainly because life has a habit of sending new things to ‘try’ us that can easily tip us back into the BPD crises all over again no matter how long we have been ‘well’ or in ‘remission’. Guess we just have to deal with it as it comes
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I have been going through some kind of remission with my bipolar symptoms for a few months now. I am not well but there is no depression and mania or even hypomania and I could use some of that lol. Enjoy it while you can sweety! Think positive though. Think like you will stay like this. The more you analyse the break and wait for the symptoms to come back, I think the quicker it will happen. IMO.
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Indeed! I’m trying to enjoy the break and not over analyse so I don’t make it end, but it is hard partly because I am so bored at how dull and empty ‘normality’ is! lol
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lol I know, that is true lol
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“You know you’re borderline when you’re worried about healing from BPD because you finally have an identity.”
BPD isn’t a mood disorder which is concrete and usually negative. I doubt anyone says “Hmmm…I sure miss feeling anxious.” BPD is complex and not always bad. So far, all the research has focused on the negative aspects of the disorder, but that only part of a large picture.
I’m going to get involved in some research projects that tap into the question of borderline reinforcers. It’s only when borderline behavior gives you pain that it becomes pathological. Self-harming is destructive. If you’ve stopped self-harming then congrats, that’s important. If you’ve stopped raging yourself into an emotionally depleted suicidal mess, that’s also great. But as we know, BPD isn’t all bad, as the “professionals” have stated in their actions.
…and we’re the ones with black and white thinking?
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I would like to understand the positive aspects better too as I am sure that if we focus on building those they will be beneficial and outweigh the negatives! I’ll be keeping an eye out for you writing more about the research when you get into it! 🙂
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So glad that RIGHT NOW is good! You can think about tomorrow later 🙂
Mandi
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Thanks Mandi! very true 🙂
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Half way through reading this, I thought to myself, I have to stop her over analysing, because she will bring about the end to this ‘remission’ because she is thinking about it too much – then I read further and realised you had already worked it out for yourself. Just take it as it comes, appreciate it for what it is – a break from the hell which is Living with BPD.
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Yeah, that is the hard part, trying not to over analyse it all and cause the break to end, I’m trying to just accept it a best I can! 🙂
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that is excellent sharon and long may it last-a month is superb but just be a little carefull about a relapse because after a month even a little one could devestating for you
sorry about that little negativity but i try and be honest-the major plus side is 4 weeks so far-if you do slip slightly then an extra few days next time should be the target
as for the bloke he needs help leaving a beautiful bright lady like you,he must be mad lol
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I know Mike, that is what I am hoping to avoid (relapse) by trying to just relax and take things as they come and not over think it too much! the bloke, lol, he was never really ‘with’ me, I thought we might be heading for ‘more’ then ‘she’ came along and I don’t exist any more, his loss (hopefully!?)
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