Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder

Boundaries and Borderline Personality Disorder


Boundaries have been mentioned to me several times lately and I have been wandering exactly what people are going on about as they are implying that I do not respect boundaries, due to having borderline personality disorder. Now, before the diagnosis no-one had ever suggested to me that I had this problem… So, now I am trying to understand exactly what they mean and ‘if’ it really does apply to me. This is what I have discovered…

Introduction – My Issues

The first time I was accused of not respecting boundaries was when I commented on a blog post, suggesting the author should use more up to date sources for inclusion in a blog, especially considering they were a ‘professional’ mental health counsellor. Now, exactly ‘what’ boundary I had crossed was not explained but it seemed to be related to my being ‘confrontational’ on ‘their’ blog, so I pointed out it was a ‘public’ blog and if they didn’t want people correcting them they should get their facts right, there is far too much misinformation on the Internet without those who should know better adding to it. So, this didnt help me understand boundaries and why/how/if I fail to respect them – I was just labelled as not respecting them due to being open about having BPD…

Next time boundaries were mentioned was at my first therapy session (and subsequently bought up again in my third session).  At the first session there was just a hint at boundaries in relation to time-keeping, so in my third session due to me having mentioned the blog discussion boundaries came up again.  I gained no further insight into how I may have crossed a boundary in relation to the blog but  I think I ‘get it’ a bit now with regard to time-keeping. My problem is I am always early for everything, and by being early if others allow me to ‘get away’ with infringing on their time by (for example) starting my therapy session early they are not enforcing boundaries and encouraging me not to respect them.  4 o’clock means  4 o’clock, if I arrive at 3.45 thats my problem and I will have to wait till 4 to be seen – making, keeping and enforcing a boundary… but you see, I personally dont see my arriving early as ‘pushing a boundary’ I am perfectly happy to wait till my alloted time to be seen.  I just ‘have’ to arrive early as I can not abide being late, it triggers immense anxiety if there is even a hint that I will not be ‘on time’ so I have to make sure to be early to avoid this – so much so that all my time keeping devices are set 5 minutes fast.

Okay are you with me so far? Am I demonstrating boundary issues yet???

So that evening I discuss the issue with my fiancée.  I state that I am not aware of what boundaries, if any, I cross and that I think this is mainly due to not having had any boundaries ‘set’ for me that I am aware of and just how does this relate to everyday life.  Is it fair/right to suggest that just because I have BPD I don’t respect ANY boundaries, surely if that were the case people would have been ‘telling me off’ for crossing boundaries for years now? It’s not like I’m a child who has yet to learn, or am I? How can you respect and not cross a boundary if you do not know one exists?

He decided to use ‘relationship’s’ to demonstrate one way in which I have failed to respect boundaries. In this context flirting with other people is one way not to respect boundaries. I wanted further clarification, as I am naturally an outrageous flirt (BPD?) and no-one has ever told me that there is anything wrong with this before, my former husband used to even ‘encourage’ flirting, crossing the line (the boundary I guess?) would be if you ‘acted’ on this flirtation by kissing someone else (or worse, such as sleeping with them).  Now, I am well aware that THIS is a boundary I have crossed, I’m not proud of it, but at the times of my ‘actions’ I felt justified as I felt my own ‘boundaries’ had been crossed by others, or I was not as in ‘control’ of my actions as I should be due to going through BPD crises at the time – no excuse for the behaviour but just a fact.

Ok, so are things becoming any clearer? not really… I guess the reason I am struggling with this concept is this – okay, in certain situations I may have failed to respect ‘given’ boundaries, but these were not ‘laid’ out for me as ‘boundaries’; so how do you know when you have crossed the line if you don’t know where the line is? also, how does this convert from crossing a boundary to you not having respect for ANY boundary???

Defining Boundaries

Time for further clarification, reading is usually the best way for me to gain a better understanding of things…

First, I look at a couple of sources online, Wikipedia ‘personal boundaries‘ as I presume the implication is that it is ‘personal’ boundaries not ‘physical’ boundaries that people are referring to. This provides a definition:

Personal Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.’

source:wikipedia/ref 1

It goes on to explain the 4 types of boundary (Soft, Spongy, Rigid & Flexible) and how Narcissts do not recognize boundaries (hmm, a ‘different’ mental health label…) before discussing rebuilding boundaries. Still not enough for me to really understand…

And actually, ‘physical’ boundaries may be just as important as they are a type of ‘personal boundary’ as you can see from the following definitions of the ‘3 types of personal boundaries’:

~ Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.
~ Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions, beliefs, emotion and intuition.
~ Emotional/Spiritual boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others and relate to our self-esteem and sense of identity.


Boundaries and Borderline Personality Disorder

I then searched for ‘Boundaries and Borderline Personality Disorder‘ to specifically address how the issue relates to borderlines…

What I came up with rather than explanations of boundaries was guides for non-bp’s in setting boundaries for the BP in their lives. Helpful? Yes, actually, surprisingly so. I thought I needed to know ‘what’ a boundary was and how/if I don’t respect these but reading about how non-bp’s should set boundaries was actually more useful than textbook definitions of boundaries. I guess it’s because it is more about application in a real world context that ‘fits’ my own dilemmas…?

In ‘The Borderline Dance & the non-borderlines’ dilemma‘ the importance of setting boundaries for your BPD loved one is explained as being an issue of survival.  The non-bp needs to decide what their personal limits are with regards to the BP’s behaviour, what they will and won’t tolerate and how they will communicate these ‘boundaries to the BP, along with the way they will deal with attempts to cross these boundaries. It stresses the importance of speaking only of your (the non-bp’s) experience NOT the behaviour of the BP, I interpret this (as it does not explain) as being about explaining why these boundaries are important to you and how it hurts you if they are not respected rather than coming across as a ‘dressing’ down of the BP, treating them like a child or making them feel bad if you put it across in terms that basically scream at the BP “I don’t like your behaviour; you are a bad person; you must not do these things or else!” which is quite easily the way a BP could take it, and even if you are really careful how you put it across you still won’t be able to control the reactions of the BP (which may well be as if you had said it in this mean way, even if you didn’t) because they (we) can’t control our own reactions to what ultimately will feel like ‘bad’ news to us. The post goes on to explain that conflict (or abuse) may ensue from the setting of boundaries and how the non-bp must then consider the ‘future’ of their relationship with the BP – I would like to point out that whilst clearly you don’t want to back-track or relax your boundaries because a BP is distressed by them relationships are about two-way communication, co-operation, compromise and respect, so take time to work together with your BP if they appear uncooperative about your boundaries as it’s not fair to abandon us just because we don’t have the same emotionally capability as you – sometimes we just need extra time to process and understand things before we can accept them…

Another post Do You Have Healthy Boundaries? talks about boundaries in respect of people with BPD having poor judgment of their own boundaries and those of others, with a very good example of ‘drink driving’ to demonstrate how even non-bp’s can have difficulty with boundaries; respecting, setting and keeping them – which was very reassuring to me that understanding boundaries is not just a BPD issue! There is also list of some examples of Boundaries which I found very helpful:

  • Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.
  • Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.
  • Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.
  • Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.
  • Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.
  • Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness and autonomy in the process.
  • Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.


This post linked to a forum discussion about boundaries and BPD where it was quoted that:

… boundaries are a commitment to myself  – not an attempt to change or control another person.


I think this is a very important message both for those with BPD and non-BP’s!


As result of this research I think I understand better what a boundary is and why they are important, but I still need to understand this topic further. As a result I am going to continue this discussion after I have read some more of my BPD books, including Stop walking on Eggshells, the BPD Survival Guide, Sometimes I act Crazy and Women and Borderline Personality Disorder amongst others (I have quite a library built up but need to read them all now!). I will publish a ‘revisited’ post on Boundaries and BPD once I have completed my readings, until then I hope this post has been a helpful introduction to the issue 🙂

Thank you for reading!  If you have enjoyed reading this post please share it with others who may be interested and I always enjoy receiving feedback and comments 🙂



Self-published author whose first book Coffee Break Companion, a collection of short stories and poems is now available on Amazon. S.L.Grigg lives in Bromsgrove with her family. Working in the NHS and enjoying reading, Pilates and travel, amongst other things when she isn't too busy writing.

32 thoughts on “Boundaries and Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. For me a huge boundary is my giving too much in a relationship–like paying for a friend’s plane tickets to visit me (out-of-state); then all expenses of the trip & only knowing this “friend” for a couple weeks before we moved to a different state.

    Another example: Friend is out of a job so I am updating her resume; finding networking groups; “headhunters”; etc. & I am spending all my time doing this. I call her & ask what she is doing–WATCHING MOVIES!!

    I had a housecleaner who was always giving me sob stories about her troubled teenaged son so I gave her money for his therapy & when a frequent “family crisis” would occur on her day to clean I would pay her to not clean (full amount ) & tell her to handle family situation. When I asked her for a favor (ride to airport), she became very angry & said I was “too needy”!!

    I got hit up after a support group by a lady for gas money. A checker @ Walmart tried to shake me down.

    I must have “patsy” written on my forehead.

    My lack of boundaries are creating false friendships that are not evenly reciprocal as far as giving/helping each other. Like I’m not good enough to be a friend so I buy them w/out realizing it. Also, have to hide the money I’m spending on others from husband…

    Therapist told me I can’t make any more “friends” w/out her permission! I need to learn what a normal friendship is.

    Also, I don’t have borderline dx (told therapist when she put borderline as an “exploratory dx”, I had quite enough dxes already for ins. co.), but I sought out DBT for bipolar 1; PTSD; acute anxiety; more…

    I fit in the group quite well w/the emotional disregulatiin; cognitive distortions; rash behaviors; all or nothing thinking; dissociation; feeling unloved & unlovable; etc. Did 2 YEARS of weekly DBT (met weekly w/therapist individually & did EMDR for PTSD) as the DBT was so helpful for me.

    I just finished a 14-week accelerated DBT group as a refresher & to go deeper into the skills.

    Husband can’t believe the changes in me & the calmness & joy in our loves now. Not much drama, chaos, crying jags, silent treatment, passive aggression on my part.

    Still very cautious w/few friends I have–find myself paying for their time w/private trainer @ gym; taking to lunch & always paying; etc.

    I need to be more caution & keep analyzing w/therapist (go weekly).

    Hope this description of personal boundaries helps.


  2. I never knew about boundaries as a BPD issue. Maybe that could help explain some of my bad “habits”? My brutal honestly, random, perverse statements, openness to sharing personal information with basically *anyone*, having no problem being naked around without caring if it makes someone else uncomfortable…

    I just thought those were just some unique, but normal quirks.


    1. Ohh yes, that sounds very like me! I am far too open and blunt about personal things that I really probably shouldn’t share, and it is an issue of boundaries!


  3. Great article. I don’t have BPD but I do have a history of abuse and so I never knew about boundaries until I starting my own therapy and became a therapist!!! Now I live in Egypt where people don’t have the first idea what a boundary is, unless you take one foot of their land when you harvest the sugarcane. Then they enforce it with the use of guns!!! Men’s boundaries around women are nearly non-existent and emotional dysfunction is the order of the day.Manipulation, emotional blackmail, passive aggressive and aggressive behavior is the norm. It can be a nightmare. Maintaining my own boundaries here is a constant challenge but a great learning!!!
    Its good to read about other people’s experiences so thank you for your very interesting article!!!


    1. Thank you, I’m glad you found my article interesting, I still struggle with boundaries I guess my ‘free bird’ attitude makes me too open and receptive in many ways when I should be a bit more closed off. I can understand what you mean about boundaries being more real and enforceable when it comes to material and practical things such as the sugarcane. I see a lot of that here too (although probably not to the same levels?) People seem much more ready to exert their dislike of others crossing boundaries when it comes to property than on a personal level, I guess more people have ‘issues’ than we like to believe?


  4. I really like your clarity on what doesn’t work for you and I understand why because we have BPD in our family. Unfortunately, the labels always get in the way of real empathy and understanding. If you are interested in reading more about boundaries, I have included suggested reading in my chapter on boundaries in my book entitled Compassion for Annie. Please let me know if you find it helpful.


    1. Thank you Marilyn, I would love to put all my work together as a book eventually myself. I will be sure to check out your book 🙂


  5. Suzanne, it was SO refreshing to read your reply. I thought I was the only one who was anal retentive enough to point out common grammatical errors. I, like you, very truly believe that well-educated professionals should be able to proof read their own work and not leave out things like commas, hyphens, quotes, or know when to start a new paragraph. The concept of splitting is entirely why I refuse to see a therapist, even though I’m 99% sure I am a “borderline”. (Quotes!! Used correctly!!) My late teens and early twenties exemplify nearly all of the symptoms listed in a textbook fashion. However, the thought of another imperfect human being who has no idea who I am and retains an entirely different set of experiences than my own giving me advice makes me want to twitch. And the thought of paying them lots of money to do this makes me put my hands up and say “Nope! Go away bad thoughts!”

    It’s true that Borderlines aren’t able to regulate emotion as well as the average schmo. However, one thing that has greatly helped me improve and even prevent dysphoric moods is running. I run everyday for my sanity. Not a lot, just under two miles as my knees suck, but it’s enough to get the endorphins going and set me right for another 24 hours. Also, yoga and meditation have also helped. I don’t believe in a god and I am not religious, so all that mumbo jumbo about “connecting to the heavens” isn’t for me – so I imagine that I’m floating out in space somewhere and nobody can bother me! It’s the greatest thing ever!! =D

    While Borderlines may upset quite a few people because of our ability to be hyper critical, I actually enjoy this aspect of the condition. My father is a life long student of engineering and science and greatly emphasized the need to think critically AND creatively in order to solve problems, and that no piece of information is too small to be included in what he calls “the big picture”. It is true that I could be nicer in my observations of others and I essentially view them as weak for being unprepared or not thinking out all options of a scenario. However, I am very adept at dissecting arguments and solving problems. I love that about myself, and if it’s the Borderline in me that causes it, well, I see no need to medicate. I can just work on not being a horrific meany. 😛 Actually, growing up I was always too nice and recently something snapped and I became a little confrontational. Gotta find the happy medium between the two! 🙂


    1. Thanks for the comment Mona, I hope Suzanne sees it 🙂
      I agree that some of my Borderline tendencies have been beneficial to my studies. I would love to e able to exercise more to help myself, but due to a variety of leg and joint problems I had to stop running, pretty much the only form of exercise I am now capable of is swimming (which I detest, and am also not very good at), so I don’t see me taking that on any time soon 😦


  6. I am SO like you in regards to noticing someone who is a professional having incorrect or out-dated material on their site, but mine is when they have SPELLING ERRORS!! I have written random people w/corrections (spent hours rewriting their error-filled columns) on the web & even people like our financial planner who has an official looking brochure made up but has the word “effect” instead of “affect” so I called him & left him a message telling him! My husband was horrified!!

    I would want to know as I think it makes you look inept to have words misspelled!

    One therapist I went to for the first time had her thesis bound in the waiting room & I was reading it while waiting (I’m an early bird, too) & found a spelling error in it!! I was appalled & decided at that point that she was totally unqualified (a little black & white/all or nothing thinking there??). This was before DBT & I never returned to her. I thought if she can make an error on her Ph.D. thesis what other errors is she making?

    I recently went on an “intake” for a new DBT group therapist (been looking for a new group since my other therapist retired 2 yrs. ago & no, not because of me–I don’t think!!) & she emailed me forms to fill out in advance & to bring w/me. ERRORS on them that were so distracting so I called her office & talked to the receptionist & asked her to ask the therapist if the therapist would be insulted if I pointed out the spelling errors!! (Therapist said, “No.” Good sign!)

    I guess that is getting better in a way (asking permission before I correct them). My main boundary issue is doing too much for people & then I “train” them to expect me to rewrite their resumes; find networking options when they’ve lost their jobs; even buy them books on job-hunting subjects, etc. Then I get resentful like on one occasion I asked a friend I was practically doing her whole job search for (& sending her money w/out my husband’s knowledge; he would have hit the ceiling) & one day I asked her what she was doing & she told me she was watching a movie! What!! Watching a movie? I didn’t have time to watch a movie as I was doing all this research to help her find a new job!!

    And so I “train” people to ask me to do them all kinds of favors & I can’t say “No” without giving elaborate excuses which they then explain how I can still do what they want me to do even IF I am going on a moon launch on that particular day!

    My retired DBT therapist told me “‘No’ is a complete sentence.” She said I could say, “No, sorry.” But absolutely no excuses as people have me figured out & know how to “break” me & they do! I had a mental breakdown by not being able to stick to my guns about not teaching a particular class during a time when I had had a terrible relapse (a class for those w/mental illnesses & part of the class is learning to “take care of yourself” which I was attempting to do–but this lady who was on the Board of this national organization w/me would not back down & badgered me so I finally taught the 9-week class & it sent me over the edge).

    Afterwards I dropped off the Board, quit teaching all classes & “divulged” to her that I had had a recent suicide attempt & that is why I wasn’t wanting to teach the class. I was so angry at her pushing me into teaching the class & “making” me tell her about my suicide attempt (I wanted to keep that private). There were judges, therapists, professionals, CEO’s on that Board & I doubt she would have badgered them the way she did me. If the judge said “No”, I think she would have accepted that! But from me, it was not enough & she was going to get what she wanted from me, but it blew up in her face at the end as she “lost” me from ever teaching again & I dropped off the Board.

    My husband says I’m too nice. He says for me to “act rude” as that is everyone else’s normal “nice.” My daughter even as a youngster told me, “Mom, you don’t have friends. You collect misfits!” From the mouths of babes! I did collect people I could save/help/be taken advantage of by!!

    No wonder I have no “friends”, but only therapists!

    Luckily, my kids have turned out well & my husband has unbelievably stayed w/me. He finds me entertaining.


    1. Great comment Suzanne – a clear example of how us BP’s have difficulties with setting and keeping our own boundaries, let alone recognising the boundaries of others!
      I also hate spelling errors, but I spend so much time staring at this screen I know typos and spelling errors must be common in my writing as I get ‘blind’ to them when reading my own work (I hate that as I strive for perfection in everything!). If/when I notice or it is pointed out (though people rarely do this!) I do go back and correct, but sometimes this is too late – a bad impression has already been made for those who have already read the uncorrected piece 😦
      I have shared your DBT piece 🙂


      1. It is true that your own brain “self-corrects” the errors as you know what you mean! That’s why it it so easy to see the errors in another person’s writing, but not your own! My own writing contains errors & it makes me so angry when I do finally see them!

        I remember one time reading the release form before getting a flu shot & in the body of the form was the date 10 years previous. I asked the nurse if they were going to correct the date & she said I was the first person who had read the form in 10 years as no one had noticed that the date was even in the body of the form, much less incorrectly!


    2. oh my god thank you for this. you have no idea how you saved my life tonight. actually, quite literally… my sister (who i’ve never been particularly close to but has watched and waited quietly and without judgement while chaos took over my life). she just watched me get un-friended by my best friend of 15 years and the person that has the most difficulty accepting me for what i have always been. Me. the label had made me “unacceptable, embarassing” and has caused her to “need therapy herself” – per my 16 year old (who suddently knows what emancipation means) being told how i have really destroyed my entire family and hurt everyone of them) while helping her aunt decorate her christmas tree in a visit over the school break. my daughter doesn’t speak to me now. on christmas day she publically disowned me.

      I hadn’t been invited to, received a christmas card from or even sent a text wishing me a happy holiday from a single person family or otherwise…even tho for the last at least 10 years i held every holiday at my house with a minimum of two lavishly decorated christmas trees, a house you could see lit from outer space and a feast that i couldn’t afford to feed, but I loved the appreciation i received every year.

      Christmas wasn’t on the calendar this year for the crazy. apparently they thought that forgetting major holidays is another symptom that i have either exhibited or dramatically acted out for them in the past (there is one theory that i am doing this on purpose). apparently enjoying the constant med changes, suicidal ideation and prolonged uninsured hospital stays…

      Again,i tend to rant when i write getting stuff out and you will now be a victim of something you do understand, but i am still not sure if you need every detail or not… cause no one ever responds with a nod or uh-huh when i type and i’ve written many an explanation that were heartfelt and completely the correct words that would turn everything around and i receive…. crickets…… so i just keep typing and explaining why if feel this or this hurt me or on and on trying a different angle that would help them understand… but ….i wonder why they don’t read or respond… god forbid someone encourage this outlandish behavior.

      ok my only child, she very publicly said that everything i say is a lie and used several phrases that were curiously also used by… yes, her aunt and the worst best friend that any bpd could have. outing not only my marital and family problems, but clearing up for anyone who wanted to know–my struggles with mental illness. i am honest to a fault as well, but no one else seems to care about what is true in my experience while they freely fill in any blanks they have with with out and out gossip and things that could maybe possibly be true but they have no idea….. so my older sister posted this after watching my youngest sister decide to delete from her life.

      she probably thought i was asleep, but she posted this on her page, asking for anyone who has experience with this to please contact her. she’s trying so hard to understand and i hadn’t acknowledged her stoic diplomacy. i thanked her and let her know (privately of course-never wanted people in my business) or to cause drama in anyway, but why look to the past for truth in behavior rather than the symptom list that they can apply to every comment i have ever made since i was diagnosed and actually thought telling them would bring everyone closer to help me fight the good fight. what a story i believed about how families work. silly girl. in actuality, very few people have been “filled in” by me personally about what i’ve been dealing with, yet everyone knows one version or another and i find that i am often being “monitored” by loved one looking for a mood swing so they can call the other loved one and spend an hour on the phone shaking their head enraged at what must surely be an act.

      , therefore most people who know about my issues were invited in by close family members “in the know” that i have spoken to less than 5 times in the last two years.

      anyway, i digress, my sister just posted this on facebook. she had been a witness to yet another close friend (actually my youngest sister and old best friend) deleting me from facebook. (none of this is done publicly.) nothing personal ever has been done publicly. it makes me extremely uncomfortable to appear “flawed” and always has ever since the mother who was up fighting with my drunk father all night put me in perfect jumpers with turtle necks and leotards and braided pigtail with matching ribbons so the neighbors and school wouldn’t jump to any unnecessary “conclusions” about our family., it’s actually done as private message updates now and then to check in– even tho no one responds or give a shit) it makes me feel responsible to let them know how life is and what i’m doing to get better so maybe they will ‘get it’ and help a girl out….

      i have lost everyone in my life, even my husband of 20 yearswho my daughter stayed with when i was forced out of the house by just plain disregard and criticism. after 4 years of that, alone finally was less scary and dangerous than staying with my husband. this beautiful 16 year old gave up on me on Christmas night. btw, when i was “supported” by people i had a 16 year string symptom free. a bit of depression issues which a new med or dosage would control. as i write, i’m sitting completely alone in the apartment i had to rent even tho everyone knows i’m not good at just being with me. my self-belief/talks are vicious and untrue i am very able to recognize that. but also very persisten and loud, fast and relentless. my therapy is an hour a week of venting and by the next evening i need more hours than the month provides, but have no insurance so i can’t.

      i try to stay private, and have always isolated myself. i have nearly 800 facebook friends. and yes, i personally know all but a handful, if i walked into a bar 20 people would hug me. but if i get so lonely and depressed that i post something slightly, but certainly cause for concern or a “just checking in” type thing… crickets.

      i am told by my closes friends and husband that i need to get better before i stop being punished by them. my therapist tells me to reach out. i’ve been trying frantically to do those things and i literally am belittled and rejected and wind up in the e.r. scared that i can’t take it for another minute alone. just to be sent home a few hours later… now i’m terrified to leave my apartment during “regular hours” which promted a huge she’s on drug conspiracy that i had to defend myself against. only to have family members join in and tell people how sick i am and how i am really fucking my whole family over with my “behavior” which i also call honesty… i would want someone to tell me if i looked like an idiot, slut or snob. seriously, i would.

      but i can’t beg anyone to tell me why i am so different. why does a label give me symptoms i don’t have? or am i so nuts that i can’t recognize them in myself. i feel constantly attacked and just ask for more if i try to defend myself and then next thing i know i’m hysterical because i’m not sure if i have the right address for the internet service and my sister has the same one, but needs me to calm down and she’ll talk to me then… meanwhile, my online dbt group, all outside communication other than a cell phone that literally only my ex and mom (twice) have called. so, the internet is what i have. and i’m not allowed to use it til i calm down. meanwhile the silence, anxiety, confusion and my own brain make me crazier. don’t dare go out with eyes cried swollen, to dare running into someone who knew me when i was “sane” and risk the visual effects of anxiety and what appears to be no bra and makeup and a ratted ponytail, because i had procrastinated the trip for so long i had no choice but to go at the last minute or risk having no entertainment or “fair-weather facebook friends” to distract me from myself and give me a bit of comfort that some of them must not have been “informed” and have neither treated me differently or asked about my personality flaws that are blaring to everyone i love.

      so, thank you for making me feel a bit normal. i wish i could put all of you in my pockets right now, but i rarely wear pants without elastic. lol i’m trying to save up money to move to a place where bpd doesn’t have to be a precursor to deciding if you like me for who i am or what they call me. cuz i’m a very kind, anonymous act of kindness, well educated, and spiritual;soul that has learned that i love more and hurt more than anyone else i know. and if they felt my feelings they would never speak to me again… they are cruel and i’m not important enough to be someone that they they miss, because they won’t read or educate themselves.

      i can’t explain enough, write enough, send enough links, song lyric snippets, poems, videos -or anything else enough for them to understand, but they bitch about the bombardment of emails. so what do i do. sit here until i’m completely invisible. if i didn’t beg for them to help me no one would and it makes me feel pathetic and strips me of everything good that i still like about myself when i have to. the lower myself to grovel or eat crow so someone will talk me down, tell me that more ativan won’t make me sleep longer, but forever, to give me one reason why i should try tomorrow out. instead it winds up with me needy and desperate while they hang up and take the phone off the hook. and they have no idea that this is the surest way to kill me.

      i have to lower myself to to beg my ex for a hug when he has treated me horribly. but i just need a hug and hell show up if i cry hard enough. and its hard to swallow. you know. i can’t be calm alone. alone i can’t be calm. so i sit here and listen to my ego lie and attack me and argue with that alot and i lose time. but i’m not sure what else i can do. i’m self helping and learning and trying for hours to do the things that are “good” for me to do per every counselor that ever existed so i can get well enough for a support system to majically form around me… but alas… how do i know when i am making progress when no one can tell me that and assumes i am viciously trying to manipulate them because i sent a text asking them if i could use them for an emergency contact?

      sorry for the punctuation/spelling, but if i edit this, it will be 10 times longer and frankly i’m too tired to care. thanks again.l wish i could send this as a link to my family because this is HUGE for me… but they stopped reading them months ago. so the tough love method that makes me feel like a dying 2 year old continues…

      btw, if you don’t have bpd, but you love one of us. do anything you can to be there. anything. your leaving might be the last hope for someone to count on. don’t give up on us. we’re difficult to love, but when we feel loved and supported we are everything that you miss about who we were. we’re people with a diagnosis. we are not a diagnosis. and we’re scared to death that you’ll leave too.


      1. wow, I don’t know where to begin, as I read through that I was sat here nodding away and going ‘yeah been there’ ‘Know that feeling’ I can completely say I understand everything you have and are going through and the turmoil and desperation of it all is so clear in how everything has just spilled out in your words, unedited just letting it all out. Thank you so much for sharing, I’m sure many of my readers will also be nodding in agreement with what you say as they read this. My own best friend of 30 years recently disowned me, yet strangely it is linked to me getting better from my BPD rather than the BPD behaviour – it appears she doesn’t like me now that I am stronger, independent and no longer someone others can control and manipulate – guess really it says a lot more about what kind of person she is and was than it does about me! lol

        I truly hope you manage to find some peace, support and recovery. I have deleted a huge number of ‘fair-weather’ acquaintances off Facebook, these people are not worth considering as ‘friends’. Best Wishes and thank you again for sharing 🙂

        Sharon xx


      2. Oh My God… do you have any idea how talented you are…?? Fuck em I say…they don’t deserve you. I just loved reading your post so much, I even read it out loud to my boyfriend. I have gone through similar experiences with my “family”…honestly being isolated from them has given me so much peace. They are the mad ones, not me. Bunch of loons. Anyway…I totally get it when you say “crickets”, I have tried to explain this same phenomenon by using making a howling wind sound and saying “tumbleweed” lol. Hope you are ok…would love a friend like you 🙂


      3. Meribeth: Did I spell your name correctly (HA HA)?

        I don’t know how I missed your “rant” (& I only say that as I am a fellow “ranter” & can never be concise even on a list for the gorcery store!), but your comment is almost a year old. I think you are an exceptional writer! Please consider writing something every day. I bet just your stream-of-consciousness writings would be very well-written.

        And please forgive my typos as I am writing on one of those little keyboards for an iPad & I have, unfortunately fat fingers–well, fat everything–& the keyboard also doesn’t do spell check for some reason. Maybe the Universe is sending me a message here–not only about my weight, but about my obsession w/typos & spelling errors as I will have many I fear on this keyboard. I will be fraught w/my own worst “sin.” Well, I do have many more sins & failures & badness in me than just worrying about typos.

        Um, who rants & gets off-topic???

        Anyway, first off I wanted to compliment you on your excellent writing ability & found it very explanatory, creative & just interesting to read.

        Then I wanted to comment on your therapist recommending you try to reach out & make new friends (in real life). My therapist has told me not to make any friends w/out her permission! Yes, she is exaggerating to get my attention, but she thinks I need to learn how to make better decisions about who is my friend & how much I extend myself (as in not paying me indirectly to be my friend by being overly nice; giving them money; doing their work {dirty & time-consuming work}; & letting their lives rule how my time & attention is spent so I am living their lives & not my own as their priorities come above any of mine) for “friendships.”

        OK–husband home & I’ve got more to write, but he is getting mad at me for not being ready to take a walk w/him…

        To be continued (lucky you)…


      4. (wrote the thing below this spot last following the many things i wrote about first)
        1. hahahahahha!!! as if….
        and secondly how could i do it if editing is off the table? don’t worry its explained why i can’t edit below…

        and now….
        on to the first thoughts….

        WOW!!! I’m speechless!!! (insert (1) thought here).

        I’ve often in the more distant past and during the time i wrote my post up top there, would rant, get it out, delete it. and i recall almost deleting this one, but it was spite i think that caused me to submit. i wanted the truth to be on record, and i think still that that is the most public thing that i’ve said about anyone that used to be part of my life and are no longer. still very alone but rant online and am in some dating sites but too terrified to trust to even get close except once which reinforced that belief,
        Shortly after this, i decided toi start my own public page on Facebook and after posting one non-descriptive anonymous post with out any indication of who i was and not calling out anyone at all, afterwards i felt terrible. I had put myself on the edge of the unthinkable and most damaging thing one person could ever do, I had created a venue where my families dirty laundry might be aired and i must’ve been crazy to have done so and i never posted again. if they can abandon me for seemingly no reason and i needed the “support system” that my (former) therapist kept telling me i needed to create, well if i ever posted such a spectacle i wouldn’t ever “them” like me again, and would be cast away fro my sins forever (they did that anyways pretty much and i have decided i will not reach out (self harm basically) anymore and am moving as soon as my daughter graduates this spring, possibly sooner.

        So i spiraled and lost all motivation completely and the guilt of being so terrible for thinking such a thing… the blog was abandoned before it began, Then, I started another blog on the alter ego facebook page some weeks later and it seemed to be about too many things and not one thing even tho and my intention was to stay focused on recovery, so in true “me” fashion i couldn’t write at all about my recovery, illness, future, past, or family at all. paralyzed so i started a sex blog (of course lol) on WordPress and that one went for about a month and i wasn’t getting hits really so i thought i sucked and then just recently i thought i’d peek and i see that i never actually posted anything publicly. and i remember that i kinda knew that. lol. talk about limited inhibitions not being an issue, oh the catholic guilt.

        the people i talk to online always say that i “paint a picture” when i write and i do know that twitter is the stupidest tool ever created for disseminating info to the public. i can’t even talk about the cornflakes that went soggy that i ate this morning without creating my own abbreviations and winding up just scrapping it as it takes too long to edit the spontaneity and its too early and that isn’t funny or cute anymore. sigh.

        so now that the presidential election is over and i have no outlet really for unleashing my anger on stupid people who didn’t see me coming. i do online dating only i don’t meet anyone and know that i couldn’t trust a single soul on the earth who would be attracted to me cuz they will leave me like the other ones i chose to love. so.. i started another blog on a dummy Facebook site (did you know that they can shut you down if its a fake name and you can’t identify your “friends” by name when pics are shown to you i know!. and then they expect you to go find a fake i.d,. with the fake username or they will hold that shit hostage til you give up and need a new email to create another fake page. its shitty i think) and that was where the destructive (now seen as free and liberated) wild me lived for quite a stretch, however, as soon as i dedicated it to bpd, i had nothing to say about bpd or anything at all really so what i did was onc lonely evening after a satisfying romp with James Deen on Pornhub, i made a sex blog that was so deliciously sexy yet naughty and fun, i was very much able to write. alot. and enjoy it. alot. for quite a while. it helped me learn a ton of stuff, developing a love of researched turned information hoarding as evidenced by the amount of bookmarks and flash drives full of good info i don’t remember why i saved… and it broke down most of my husbands handiwork of making me believe that i’d never attract a man or at least be naked in front of one.

        If I am honest now, my fear of trusting another is still very much intact, unfortunately, as i’m technically celibate but i became very adept with things that make me feel less celibate than ever that you don’t need to have a live person in the actual room with you if you have a webcam (oh the ex would dpin if he knew what he’s never seen that has been shared with one guy that is my special one online… i’m not a good girl) i’ve been more naked there and much more accepting and in love with my body than ever in my life. and i have found not only am i wanted by men (i’be been told i ooze sexy, altho not slutty just confident in myself and this amazing vessel that makes that special boy look at me like he’s never seen someone so exquisite ever ever!@ wow! @i know!), soon after discovering my special one i stopped the blog and found that the amazing sexual relationship and fondness i have for this person overtakes my need to broadcast to the world what his eyes tell me in a flash of a second make me recognize in myself. NOTICE: i’m old and CELIBATE if you aren’t old or celibate, don’ do what i do especially under age 30. you’re not ready to commit to any b.s. that could happen to you. i’m crazy and have that excuse so i don’t’ have to accept full consequences (lmao). but if you aren’t DIAGNOSED crazy, even if you know you are, don’t got there.
        (good spot for a disclaimer!-see how responsible I prove to be? and what a liar i’m gonna be further on about not rereading and editing cuz as much as was already written i’m still writing now -this wildly inappopropriate (why does that look like it has so many P’s?) appropriate, it does have too many– spell check failed. lol ) side story is proof!) ok brackets in brackets… are you sure?? Susan, yeah you, are you sure?

        please note i’m already overly self aware and monogamously whorish in a celibate kind of way with one person and am very aware that my child’s mother’s name is at risk. i’m careful. just sayin. however if by the smallest percentage of possibility she finds out, there isn’t much risk. Her dad already stripped her respect for me when he made our daughter his newest best friend before i knew that we were picking teams. and i’m crazy too. so there is that.

        shoot. what was i trying to say? well i’ve ranted again and that’s tmi but hey, i can create any life i want to now, and i choose openness and always honesty which i have found is always kind and dulls the feelings of abandonment if you can convince the partner that you will require closure if it ends, and in the mean time requires full disclosure as the only option,, or they will regret it. They may, if they remain dishonest and are wasting my time and hurting my feelings by continuing the fight for their false pride to remain intact and they will not win,

        Ya see, i believe that relationships are to be negotiated. and that is what i bring to the table. honesty and if they aren’t its a deal breaker. and when you feel abandoned and they won’t respond, and when you begin the cyber stalking cuz you’ve now mentally tortured yourself into believing they are a serial womanizer once depicted on 20/20 who steals our fortunes and disappears to Acapulco, and its probably true even tho i have to half live off of the retirement my ex didn’t drain out while i was at my sickest so that I can afford my county revolving therapist on the lowest level of the sliding scale- as well as the the medicare coverage i finally have after years of waiting that doesn’t cover their services at all. so tha’t san extra $140 down the tube, but the point is if i find out they are married, lets say… do they seriously think that spending 99 cents online to get his wife’s private cell phone number is too much fuss for my own sense of self worth? well its not. so when you message them one last ditch effort for a response and you include their wife’s number you will get the honesty and closure they agreed to provide. (yes, you can use this technique but make sure i get full credit for it mkay?) It also lets them know i mean what i say and that I don’t simply mention 7 times about my trust issues in our first correspondence because i want extra attention or need to be gushed over. i say it because lying,e specially about that– is a death penalty punishment when combined with abandonment.

        terrible but true yet oh so effective and i am creating a new me in uncharted territory and actually have found that honesty is always kind and anything else hurts. so i’m actually helping them by keeping their honesty top notch. i wanna write a LMAO but it would kinda sound like borderline borderline– don’t you think? it looks sinister and that’s not how i mean it. so i will write **you go girl!**” and empower myself with it at the risk of being seen as a bitch, but i don’t have a hateful bone in my body really so its you not me.

        I still am baffled with the response of my friends and family and suspect that there is a very motivated sinister person who likes to make himself seem like he’s upstanding and loving as he was for so many years, instead of just a hateful, self sabotaging addict who is becoming brain damaged or something. cuz he is far crazier than myself, i just can’t bring myself to let him suffer because of me (remembering i’m crazy as you read that so you don’t fault how fucked up that line of thinking is considering the A for effort he earns with his unique style of messing with my life) so i save him essentially and he keeps saying he wants the best for me, always has ! he says, and i’m supposed to believe that and ignore his actions which are brutally damaging and cold. At times and kinda allt he time it feels as if he secretly wants me to end it so he can live with leaving me and me not being as sick as he thought i would be and moving on without him maybe? This is a who ten minutes after grounding our kid he would be in her room cleaning it for her and in tears so this hard ass stupid selfish self serving new motherfucker makes me think that he’d like me to disappear… even tho i know it won’t erase the horrible guilt that is so apparently turned inward onto himself and is causing him to self destruct. and his vehicle to administer more paint to him is by causing me intense pain emotionally. often he cries about letting me down when he should have been there and yada yada yada and then the next day he seems to think that he doesn’t owe me any of the money he borrowed but instead of saying it attacks me for even asking for it back ever in the first place and its things like that that make him feel that he can’t communicate. and he will turn on his heel and leave abandoning the point of the visit and avoiding his responsibility at my expense… see how that works? it doesn’t happen as much lately as i’ve cut off most of my interactions with him, which of course made him want to interact and i decline so then here we go again….

        sometimes i still struggle with the mantra of this half decade of my life::: : if my support system completely cuts me off and have stopped all communication with me and i have to have a support system and they aren’t one and i won’t get better- i’m all alone- and i need someone anyone to be a support system but i’m afraid they will leave so i don’t have anyone and ic an’t have recovery with out a support system and i dont’ have one and on and on and on faster, faster, faster until i am not sure if i exist or if this is hell cuz it takes along time to be over if its a bad luck streak and i need another person to mirror back how i react so that i feel appropriately emotion managed (toned it down for public viewing), but i have no one and need someoneone but i need a support system to recover and i dont’ have one… and i know i should just go out and fuck someone but how do i meet someone when i am this even tho i need a someone to make me feel real and complete and i have noo ne and everyone leaves so i can’t get betteer and i really wanna get better so ican have someone but i need a support sytem…..

        i hope this sounds loosely familiar as to maybe how your brains think as well..
        so those first few minutes of that kind of thinkig and throw in a bitchy text from the ex, and next thing ya know BA-HAM! i’ve created an entire self hate weekend extravaganza that has played out a bazillion times.

        How messed up is it that they think it “looks” remotely sane to disown me for an illness i didn’t cause, blame them for, or fake to keep drama in my life (??) for 5 years . Certainly I am really stuck in this dramatic reproduction of an illness that i shouldn’t have and i get some sick enjoyment out of the 18 E.R. visits with no insurance and no notification to anyone that i have been there cuz i can’t have them til i’m not crazy but i can’t get better with out them (see?)

        it doesn’t happen so much lately, aa i have learned alot about me in my year long silence. and i see becasue of the limited communicatoin with other people except the special boy i can look back at this new relationship dynamic and i can see the process of how my mind jumps from my gosh that was sexy to is he ignoring my important ephiphony by taking that phone call and wsalking away without acknowledfging with the “one finger up sign” that he’s coming back in a moment??? I know now that it only happens when I get too lonely, and i know i won’t see him for a few days, and too tired cuz i am a night owl and he wakes with the sun and that combo causes a release of hormones (i’m not a doctor, but this is the only explanation without the evil twin one that i can find) which is an attractant for my ex (after the special calms me down with honesty amaizng effectiveness and so quick comapred to the deliberation before self harm thoughts come) to need to insult me or call with an asinine message that he knows will set me off when he hears a tone in my voice or something… but he will at other times be somewhat civil but it must be the tone that causes him to tear me down and then here come the tears. Now the starting of the tears is his signal of my approval to begin a slow process -usually done via text– for hours- until literally my thumbnails bleed and are sore for days after. i am hysterical immediately and frantically defending myself as i am past reason and this level of hysteria is already at the level of expecting nto need at least 4 hours to self-calm and a minimum of two ice trays worth of ice in a cold shower. you know that kind, the bad kind that makes me want to induce a chemical burn, but sometimes i use the hysteria to viciously let him know his level of intelligence is compromised and to call him everything i’ve ever thought about him since the beginning of the end. (he can stop tho right? cuz not stopping makes me feel insane and according to him, he’s sane but here i am in this tango that only takes one person (me) apparently. i shan’t ever forget i’m no longer Meribeht, mom, wife, sister, daughter, HR manager. I am crazy and then those things followed up at the end with Meribeth the woman he spent half his life loving. I can’t ever forget that , i’m the cursed one that gave him mental illness right? pfft). he has no clue what my life is like because it actually had nothing to do with him. It happened TO ME and i get to be my only cheerleader with this brain that wants me dead most of the time, but again even that seems to be improving the more i limit his existence in my life. its been rare these days except for a couple days ago we had one of our 8 or 12 hour text marathon world wars, where i am on his team and we bomb me relentlessly. after all we both know its only okay to argue with him if it ends in me believing his memories of the goodness he is in my life, and his genuinely caring actions are what actually happened altho he has never given me a reason for his true behavior towards me and shows very, very little emotion which is totally not his character. well he said one time when he was feeling generous that “I guess i just got bitter”. this is why the love of my life for 15 years, my best friend of 18 years and my husband of 21 years feels is a legitimate explanation of his treatment of me — and has influenced daughter who is his tool of total mass destruction to test composure.and if frustration, sharpness or even a heavy sigh should happen from my directoin she is to call him for she should fear me, the woman that hasn’t even had a speeding ticket and promised this 17 year old after she was born i’d never make her feel all alone in the world… he made that choice for me after i left his home and he told her things that caused her to remove herslef from my life and beginning on christmas day i didn’t hear her or see her for 7 weeks. ihad just moved and was so so so terrified and confused and alone and shattered and thats how he welcomed me here… baptized this beige carpet with tears…

        however now i think back —alot of it, is very George Jr. Bush-esque in forethought and hindsight at best. So i am have learned very well that his version of any painful situation that happened to me didn’t and that his memories are the RIGHT ONEs and he can prove it cuz when i remembered it i was standing on the ladder and needed help getting down and his version is that i specifically was on the first rung but i left that out so obviously i’m lying and because i don’t know htat it was the first rung that i stood on he is right and will hold the conversation in that small space for hoursuntil he wins by default cuz i won’t fight anymore exhasted in his lack of ability to see the rung doesn’t fucking matter at all. but it keeps him from answers he doesn’t have at least that he won’t like saying outloud. the devil is definitely in the details with him.

        so what i’ guess i’m getting at is that he is the only person i talk to besides my daughter in person regularly. and he has this thing that he thinks he’s able to change my memories and if i actually use common sense (foiled again!) then its my communication skills that are the problem. literally i have been in terror at times that i cannot form a lucid thought. well i stayed that way til i joined a dating site and this wonderfully sensual and erotic writer extraordinaire happened upon my page and we wrote steamy, sexiness back and forth for several months. and i realized if i can do this and a person on another continent seems to get very very very well what my meaning is, then how come the man that i spent half my life with is unable to comprehend an innocent comment is not me insulting him?. epiphony, it might not be me with the problem lol it took that though for me to see that. why would my ex ever do this he was my bff and he’s banking on it that the world will always see only that part of him.

        so i began writing more than erotica with my sultry stranger, and got very confident in my voice again, but the whole style of writng either people love or hate and i didn’t change anything except editing.i had so much emanation throughout this time i can just let the words come out directly from heart to fingers with no brain intervention. and its at times delish and most times exhausting to look up and see i’ve done it again and i really don’t wanna edit cuz it fires me up again. next thing you know i’ve started in the middle writing the the prequel … and 3 hours have past and i need a shower still at 1am. it always gets huge and always when i’m not in brain but in heart mode. somewhere int he middle..

        so it can happen at anytime, and if its someone new or someone i don’t feel necessary to share the personal rant side with i accept i have taken (instead of lost ) 3 hours of writing my story, so i accept it and cut and paste it into a document to save. i used to delete as my punishment for “checking out” now treasure these and i do this cuz my childhood is spotty and confusing with no trailer type movies in it, just polaroid still shots and the more i write about my life i can get more detail to the stills that i hadn’t had before. and suddenly every now and again something i couldn’t figure out makes complete sense because i now can see that i got in toruble for picking a big bunch of skunk cabbage thinking it was corn and was spanked violently and sent to my room with no explanation when i was i think 4 and i see now when i am looking down admiring my lucky food find that past the “corn” i’m wearing my favorite dress, the one with the marching band and clown on it that has a little apron to lift up and under it says i love a parade. it was a school dress. i got in trouble because my dress was muddy. that might be a legitimate reason for being in troubel. so its so catheartic. i can live iwith being in trouble for ruining a dress. but id idn’t know why for the last 38 yrs why i had been punished so badly. and i can put that to bed now and maybe i can stop that thought from triggering all the others that came after it… and maybe if i save these little snippets even if there doesn’t seem to be anything majjor in the writing mabe one day i can attempt to organize them as well as can be done to use as a timeline to find some some kind logic or sense of order to things that in my mind just are wildly dumbfounding and don’t let go. they all come out when i’m ffeeling guilty about something to tell me i’m bad and see even then your joy of bringing a stinky, yet delicious dress-ful of corn on the cob was grounds to punish you. i’m bad. not i did a bad thing. i was shamed. and that’s not cool.

        and even in my adult years its confusing for me to understand twhat cause and effect means in relationships. i never should ever expect everything to make sense and it’s okay if it doesn’t’. actuality preferable as its comforting almost until its not and then its RAGE.

        i joke often when i go off on something in life that is bothering me that “there isn’t’ enough internet available for me to get my entire my life story recorded without deleting somethings first… hahaha

        SOo many lefts and writes and feelings to describe cuz i know mine are different and it helps me recognize mine when they are described as bigger than the average and i am beginning to not see it as a flaw but one of the big things that i love about me. how many people can fall in love and actually know you experience the wonderfulness that poets fail to describe well, and you feel it even bigger !!! its an amazing thing, but also has the other side that isn’t so happy and is very dark and distorted.
        so i’ve been saving them and i hope if god ever decides to reward me by giving me a hatred of procrastination and returns alot of focus to this dulled down brain that one day i might have myself a complete work and because i’ve been told i paint a picture and i’ve been told my life sounds like it’s been so interesting (tragic is a better description… hahahahaha interesting. no.) but maybe it is —as they see it in a more complete form as they don’t have the broken spots int heir mind that they are trying to get around or go thru to get to the next part,

        . i don’t’ see it that way yet and perhaps if i can get all my truths down and hold to the belief that honesty is always kinder than the story we use to explain otherwise to make sense of things. if that holds true and i absorb your encouragement, too, maybe its not gonna be a mish-mash of binders holding my thoughts, maybe it is an interesting life, full of struggle, and love and misunderstanding and maybe even triumph and true love and god could i even dare to imagine income from this horror story of hell that i don’t’ dare stop– keep on walking forward thru. hell if you don’t wanna stay there and maybe it is something coherent. and maybe it might help someone put their feelings down too without editing themselves. thats where i fail is in the editing so that is why there are typos and misspellings and huge lack of proper punctuation and esp. capitalization…

        i think the only message in that is, my life isn’t perfect, my authority figures no longer have capitalization in the first letter of their names, they lost that privileged in my mind and there’s something about writing… i find myself rocking slightly back and forth and feeling a distant melody or almost a cadence and comfort in the word combinations and the gravelly bumpy roads my writing tends to wildly veer off onto…


        your comment has to be the most encouraging encouragement I’ve received ever. mostly cuz you are a stranger, female and this isn’t a dating site so i’m gonna take your word more seriously than if it was cuz i assume you don’t’ want to get into my pants (btw just in case you’re gay, i am way more hetero than i wish i were and that is much more of a shame than anything that hopefully anyone will feel in this more open future we are creating simply for loving who we love and altho you seem nice and are wildly brilliant in taste, i’m just not (this is hard to say… ) into the girl/girl thing. i’m not joking. i think i’m abnormally hetero and in my first time single life at my sexual peak i’m freaking pissed about that. I mean trust me, i have tried to fantasize about it like other girls do, but it just isn’t my sexy spot and i think women are absolutely stunning on many levels but just not in a way that makes me wanna try it, however if you are (and you better be by the time i finish this trainwreck thought) i love that its your thing and i am very much a supporter/!


        so basically you going out of you way to say that is incredibly affirming to me and that is really what i wanted to say. and i think i’m gonna think about that more than i used to think about it.

        i need to somehow tell you that you just taking that moment with no benefit or pay off for yourself moves me, i try to throw out love every now and again with things i appreciate too and being in HR for so many years i know first hand how its easier to discipline than to bless and i want to say how i appreciate you taking your time to write that. i have hope and a bit of sparkle in my diaphragm after an emotional weekend and its good cuz i like the feeling of sparkle cuz not many hours ago it was that sharp knife feeling that makes it hard to breath.

        you changed how i feel about my life today. i want to tell you hat., i am grateful. i thought nothing was around the corner and altho i flirted with the idea, thinking my judgment is shit i threw it out the window and i think you caught it as i passed by you. cuz here it comes in the form of a response from a stranger when it was lost in my mind over a year ago and now i remember nearly was killed with the delete key and nearly wasn’t sent.

        amazing. thanks. 🙂



        Part 2: I reread my comments I already wrote (awaiting the OK from our fearless leader!) & what do you know? In the first paragraph I have an ERROR (grocery) & I am still alive. Am I still a valuable person w/something to contribute (even w/all my faults–a TYPO–how awful)??

        I hope so. We’ll see if I get the OK to get published!

        Now back to my insightful comments: I am not on Facebook (neither is my daughter). We think we are the only 2 people on the FACE of this world not writing in that BOOK. I don’t see the appeal of having 800 “friends” that you don’t know & subjecting yourself to this awful treatment from family members that you do know.

        Now as to those “family” members (I think biology doesn’t necessary make people compatible & you don’t have to let these people into your life when they are abusing & hurting you):

        1) I have had family members gossip about me when my dx of bipolar 1 got out (weak moment & I told sister-in-law who is a NURSE about my negative side effects from Lithium) & she told everyone about my being “crazy” just like my mother (who had a terrible time w/schizoaffective disorder & did succeed in killing herself when I was 15).

        I was already questionable in my husband’s family’s regard due to my not being a debutant like my sisters-in-law (hardly a deb; more like a hippie–remember I am 59-years-old & was born in Berkeley, California & spent my formative years sampling the wild side of life).

        So that revelation moved me down in my husband’s family’s opinion; I didn’t know it could be lower, frankly, but that proved not to be so. I put up w/their stuff for a little while & then just decided I didn’t need these people in my life. My husband agreed (told you he was a saint) & we are merely cordial to those family members who want to put me in a special category that makes me lower on the food chain than they are.

        2) Your writing about having alcoholism is your family reminded me about a story I read that hit home for me (both of my parents were alcoholics & I had my time of very bad problem drinking). A father is so drunk & in a blackout (Yeah, done that, too) & passes out on the front lawn. His young son sees him & is afraid & runs into the kitchen to tell his mother that Daddy is sick or something is wrong w/him out on the front lawn. His mother told him:

        No, Daddy is fine. HE IS JUST TAKING A NAP ON THE FRONT LAWN.

        I grew up w/that kind of stuff. Being a kid & being scared when my father was driving drunk & I would beg him to stop (& even stop drinking as he would drink while actually behind the wheel when he was already drunk) & he would get very angry at me & proclaim that he was not drunk). Basically, I had a lot of that growing up. What I experienced was discounted & even told me that it wasn’t real. So that made me kinda crazy. Doubted my own reality. I see him obviously drunk; yet he is telling me that is not so. My mother calling me a whore & kicking me out of the house & it was not so. I guess that helped me to become the woman that I am!!

        I also think this is a “safe place” for you & for me. I have hypomanic tendencies (296.62 is the DSM currently which means Bipolar 1; last episode {which has been about 5 years since my last suicide attempt} mixed & of moderate intensity) so I have written an index card that I prop by my phone, laptop, etc. that says: DO NOT WRITE, CALL, EMAIL, SEND SMOKE SIGNALS (BASICALLY DON’T CONTACT ANYONE) WHEN FEELING THE URGE TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE WHOM I KNEW 10 YEARS (& THEY DON’T REMEMBER ME); WRITE BLOGGERS–NOT “SAFE” PLACES AS THIS IS; ETC.

        Sorry that is all in caps. Don’t have time to correct it.

        I also have found DBSA (Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance) or NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support groups to be safe places, though you can run into boundary problems there w/a room full of people who have been dxed w/a mental illness!!

        So I need to get ready to go out to dinner!! Lucky me. All I want to add is that you are a valuable person w/a great talent for writing & also it seems like you need help getting over the abuse of your family members. It would be terribly painful to have a daughter like that, but she may come around when she matures. The other ones–don’t hold your breath. They have already shown their true colors. Move on.

        Take care!!

        P.S. Please forgive all errors & typos…


      6. @meribeth, I relate to everything you have expressed. I could cry for you because that feeling alone and abandoned when you need people to care the most is harder as you realize your behaviour has pushed them away. It is a prison we live in, I too have hidden away so people don’t see me at my worst when the day before I was seemingly ‘normal’ and functioning. I either go out early in the morning or late at night to shop etc to avoid seeing anyone. It’s a very lonely way to live. I have a 16 year old son who just recently threatened to leave me because he had had enough of me. I begged and cried and promised that I would do everything I can to get help. I’m still afraid it won’t be enough and possibly too little too late when I do. So I can send you much love as I know how devastating when the child you love more than anything is or has turned their back in you.

        I wish you peace and I hope things have improved at least a little so you can have some relief. You deserve kindness not judgement. You are not alone .


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